Running Scared by JanieB

Rating: G
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 11/06/2007
Last Updated: 11/06/2007
Status: Completed

This is a song fic from Harry's POV; Harry loves Hermione and he knows she loves him,
but...her former love - Harry's former friend - Ron, casts a shadow over his heart. Hermione
left Ron a year previously and neither she nor Harry have seen him since. Then on the night
they're out celebrating the first anniversary of their life together, who should show up but
Ron...




1. Running Scared
-----------------



Author's Note

This is for Cindy, for reasons I've explained to her.

And I just have to say hello to some *very* special people - Kirsti, Tim and Holly. Hugs to
you all.

RUNNING SCARED

By JanieB

It's been just over a year since you left him.

It's been almost a year to the day since you became mine.

Of course, I've been yours since the day we met, although I didn't know it for a long
time; I simply took your presence in my life for granted. But no longer - and this last year has
been the best year of my life. And yet, sometimes, I can't help but wonder…

*Just running scared*

We haven't seen him since that day you told him it was over. I was there to hold you and
comfort you and see you through the pain. It gave me the greatest joy I've known to be so
important to you, for you to need me so much…

*Each place we go*

I know your heart aches. I know that when you left him, you lost his family that had become
yours, as they had mine. But I lost them too, because I was on your side. And now I'm *by*
your side. And I doubt they'll ever speak to either of us ever again. Neither of us speaks of
it, but sometimes we look at each other and we share the unspoken pain of that loss…

*
So afraid**,* *that he might show*

I wonder what would happen if we ever ran into him, somewhere, sometime, unexpectedly. You loved
him so much, for so long, I can't help but wonder… is there still an echo of that love in your
heart? Do I imagine those shadows I see in your eyes sometimes? Are they put there by thoughts of
him?

*Yeah, running scared*

You tell me no, that you love only me now - that he's gone from every corner of your heart
and mind. But when you've loved someone like that… Well, I can only think of how much I love
you - and for how long I've loved you - and that I can't imagine *not* loving
you…you'd never leave my heart, even if your body was gone, my love for you would be with me
till I died…

*W**hat would I* *do**?*

Can you truly have put him completely out of your heart and your mind? You tell me so, every
time I ask. And I ask you almost every day. And every time I ask, you answer so patiently and so
lovingly, I feel guilty for ever doubting you…and yet...

*
If he came back*

You left him - he didn't leave you. He must still love you. How could he not love you? How
could any man know you and not love you? And so if he's never stopped loving you… dear Merlin,
my nightmares are filled with thoughts of what would happen if he still loved you -

*A**nd wanted you*

- and you found that deep down inside, somewhere, there is a part of you that still loves and
wants him… *

Just running scared*

It is a fear I live with every day. A fear I force myself to put aside every day. When we are
together and you hold me and you kiss me and you love me…the fear subsides, smothered by my love
for you… But when we are apart, that's when the doubts uncoil and curl within…the way steam
curls slowly into every corner of the bathroom when you're in the shower... Do you know how I
rejoice in the thought of you in the shower - *my* shower - *our* shower - how I rejoice
in knowing that I can walk in while you're there, in the shower, and brush my teeth, or talk to
you, asking you some mundane question just because I can? And all the while I'm savouring every
second, knowing it's my right, my privilege…as it was once his…

*Feeling low*

And then I wake up, and you're gone. And before I remember that you had to start work early,
I suffer a moment of dreadful pain because I think that you have left me, that your love for him
has claimed you once more…

*
Running scared*

But as I drag myself to the shower - *our* shower - I tell myself over and over that
it's me you love - that it's me you choose to be with. But my heart can't help but
remember that…

*You loved him so*

You ask me what it is you need to do to prove to me beyond any doubt that I am your choice -
that you love only me. I have no answer. Because it is *my* doubt and I am the only one that
is able to expel it. It is not your burden. Everything you do and everything you say proves over
and over, every day, that it is *me* you love. My doubt is my burden. My doubt is my curse. My
doubt is my poison…

*Just running scared*

I cannot imagine my life without you. Without you, I would have no life - no life that I would
want to live. Without you, my life would hold no love, no laughter, no warm, brown eyes and happy
laughter…no soft delicious kisses, no warm caresses or passionate loving, no gentle morning-after
savouring of satisfied cravings and hunger…

*Afraid to lose*

If you left me, as you left him, what would I do? Even while I cannot bear to think about it, I
cannot stop this thought from haunting me. Any more than I can bear to think about what you would
feel, what you would do,

*If he came back*

What if he walked back into our lives - what if he told you he loved you more than life itself?
That he needed you more than the air he breathes? What if he said couldn't go on without you?
What would you do?

*Which one would you choose**?***

And then my nightmare became reality. We were out celebrating our first anniversary - a year
since we'd been together. We were sitting at the bar having a pre-dinner drink. You looked more
beautiful than I'd ever seen you look before. You were wearing a floaty sort of knee-length
dress that occasionally sparkled in the candle light…it held warm, golden reflections, just like
your eyes…it clung to you in all the right places…

*
Then all at once**,* *h**e was standing there*

Just as we'd drunk a toast to each other and decided we should make our way to our table, he
appeared, at the top of the stairs…

*So sure of himself, his head in the air*

He looked so different to the old dorm mate I'd known with those awful dress robes, all
those years ago. He was a successful wizard now and it showed; he was dressed in impeccably
tailored robes and he was looking around as though searching for someone. I knew it couldn't be
you - that he couldn't know we were there - and yet my heart began to race as my worst fear
snaked horribly through me once more: the fear of losing you. I couldn't take my eyes from him
as we stood up. You were saying something to me I didn't catch - I couldn't hear your voice
over the pounding in my ears.

The second he saw you I knew. I hadn't taken my eyes off him and I saw his expression as his
gaze came to rest on you. I think my heart stopped and the silence was deafening. Then I knew that
you had seen him. You broke the awful silence I was drowning in with your gasp - and I could tell
you were stunned. I looked on as his eyes widened in surprise, as pleasure at the sight of you
unmistakably filled them and then he smiled. It was a smile of pure joy and delight.

I didn't want to see what your response was, but it was as though I was no longer in control
of myself…my head turned slowly to look down at you. Your eyes were shining. A tremulous smile
curved your lovely mouth.

*My heart was breaking*

You took a deep breath. Then you looked up at me. I could see something slowly filling your eyes
- some new knowledge.

*W**hich one would it be**?***

What had you suddenly realised? I wished desperately I could read your mind. Then you smiled at
me - a smile full of promise, a smile full of love...

*You turned around**…*

You gave him a small wave. Then you slipped your arm through mine.

*A**nd walked away*

- pulling me with you. I almost stumbled. You sounded excited and happy as you told me that at
last you knew, that at last you were completely certain. I couldn't speak, but I knew my eyes
asked for me: What did you know? What were you certain about? And when you told me it was all I
could do not to pull you against me and kiss you right there in front of all those people.

You told me that you had always been scared of meeting him unexpectedly - that you hadn't
been certain what you would feel. You knew that you loved me and yet… But now, now you *knew.*
You'd seen him again, so unexpectedly, and you'd felt only the fleeting sadness that comes
when you realise something has gone beyond your reach - gone forever - and you realise you
don't care…

I felt as though I was floating, as though my heart would burst I was so happy. You laughed, and
I joined you, feeling gloriously elated. That's when I saw his reflection in a mirrored wall
ahead of us. I saw that his smile was gone, that he was watching us and I think I saw regret in his
eyes as he watched you walk away…

*W**ith me**…*

Author's Note

The song is called Running Scared, sung by Roy Orbison. And now this is out of my head and “on
paper” (so to speak) I can get back to my other story… Janie xoxo

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